Sunday, January 15, 2012

which one??

Its 12.00a.m right now when i'm writing this post......i don't know what my feeling right now....but i wanna express it here since i'll feel relieved if i wrote it down.......this week is the "shock week ever" for this semester.......cause something that i didn't expected to happen has already happen to me right now......it is so call 'lovey dovey' things happening around me........yet what i'm suppose to do then...i don't know either i'm ready for it or not.....cause I've too much experiencing heart breaking and ended my relationship in the end.........

for all the time i have meet him, since the day that i really sad cause i just broke up with my boyfriend, he comes with his friends giving me good advice n support me to continue my life as usual.......at that time, i feel really glad that even though my boyfriend had thrown away all my love yet there's still friends who back up me and cheering me up......he also so there being like my guardian angel since then........he has become my best friend forever (BFF).......and i'm glad to have friend like him.....there's also time when my heart feel like falling toward him yet its been blocked by a powerful sentences.....

in my though, to fall for him shall be dangerous cause i know he already have someone that he truly love.....so taking him means that i snatch away other people happiness......i don't wanna do that as i already experienced it.......its really hurt when someone steal away your happiness......cause words becomes so powerful, it have sealed all the feeling deep inside my heart......by that i'm able to maintain the BFF relationship for few months and so after.......but now its like world have turn up side down........as he have express the truth to me.......am i able to accept it?

even i don't know what to say.....its like things around me happen to be faster then what i expected.....and even i didn't expect that it could turn that way either........i don't know what my feeling right now........don't know either what to respond or to tell.........cause my heart, it still seal with those strong words........once in a while, i'm thinking is't really his true feeling@it just happen to be as fulfillment of a broken heart???.......as what i have experienced before.........hmmm, then what happen if suddenly his ex girl wanna be with him back??then what will happen to me??.......am i gonna be left alone again as what my previous boyfriends have done to me?

all these makes me think twice even trice to accept this confession of a friend.........i wanna learn from my mistakes and frustration from all my previous relationship........i don't wanna the same things to happen again to me.........i really wish he could understand what challenges lies beyond the future.........i can feel it would be really tough one as my instinct told me so.......cause i'm not searching for a boyfriend but i'm searching for a future husband.............if he never thought of that or even considering it, what is the use of continuing such feeling???........i'm not that strong enough in my own religious....yet i wish that he fall for me not just about who i'm.......but also about the religious that i believe in........i want him to not just love me, but also love Allah.......loving Allah full heartedly as he love me full heartedly....i wish to believe that all this happen because its Allah decision.........because who's gonna be my soul partner is lies on the hand of Allah....

beside all this that happen in front of my own eyes......there's also another big things happen in my mind and heart........its about the person that i have been waiting for.............knowing that guy for about 3 years yet still never have the chance to meet him........before things between me n my 'friend' evaluate, my heart was hoping to some other so call virtual friend which I've known for 3 years.........even we have be friend for 3 years, the feeling just become clear in early of last year..........i've been thinking about this guy for several times, but my mind seems to questioning me back.....should i or shouldn't i believe for that kind of virtual feeling????........cause i never meet this person so how could i able to judge him??

that questions have playing in my mind for almost a year and a half........the feeling sometimes come and sometimes go........as what he usually do.....even though he have express his feeling toward me and even invite me for a marriage.........i still don't know what to do???.....either its a good decision or not........cause i never believe in this kind of virtual love........besides, if he really love me, why cant he come and find me here and express his feeling???........as experienced teach me, now i would hardly believe in words............even he say i miss u @ i love you, he never even try to find me here........he always missing around........

in the beginning he always contact me but since early of last year, its like lose in space........sometimes he on9 and sometime he's not.....contact me like once in a month or two.........its getting even harder since he continue study in UK......i don't even know that until his little sister tell me so.......why wont he tell me that time?.......that makes me fed up of waiting cause he doesn't seems to be that serious..........when its been three month without any news of him, i feel like i wanna give up on him....... don't wanna wait anymore and want to forget about everything him.......

unexpectedly, he contact in the end of last year.....about a month and a half ago, saying that he would come back to Malaysia.........please wait for him.......i feel very happy at first cause all my waiting through this several year should come to end if i meet him.......but now i don't know.........its like i was losing something..........are my heart really have been steal by someone else???..........even i don't know as i ask my heart, what actually do you want????........my heart only answer two words....that is FUTURE HUSBAND........but who could it be??........either it is one of them@it might be somebody else..........

today already 16jan........that guy said that his flight shall be on 15jan........is he already come back to Malaysia???..........even i don't know cause he never ring me for more than half year now...........he is coming back but why am i not that excited like last year??..........what i'm thinking tonite is i wish to believe in the person that i holding hand with right now.......to my self i whisper.......


~~will my love curse be repeated for the 6th time??????~~

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