Tuesday, January 31, 2012

for the person that i waited

to my friend mr.z,

how r u today?.....i hope u would be fine as always.....its been half a month since u r coming back to malaysia......everything have change.......including me.........i've broke the promise that i made to you.........i know its my wrong coz i cant stand to wait for soo long........its not my intention to do so......yet i cant deny that i've fall for someone else.......its true now thats the fact.....

now i have a boyfriend.......

mr.z, after all this time i have waited for u........now i'm release u from me........u r free to find your own destiny.......its not tie together with me now.......coz i've someone else........i believe u can fine a girl far more better than me.........who can wait u for the rest of her life.......i'm regret that i didn't take care of my heart very well.........i'm careless.....let it alone till i didn't realize that i've fall in love with someone..........

to u mr.z, thanks a lot for being my friend for more than 3years now.........even though we never meet each other, i have the instinct that u r such a nice guy......n someday u shall found a nice girl for u.........thanks a lot for being patient with me for all this long......even though i always use such hard words towards u, u still can be patient with me....

so i guess this is the end.........it should be the end of our waiting time.......after this there shall be no more..........i shall not seek u either from now on........i feel really sad to say it.....but this is good bye.......thanks for all the advise u have give to me........u teach me to be patient with the one we love......since starting to know u, i cant forget about u n cant even reach u.........

i think its better this way........i maybe cry right now.......crying becoz of u.......n this should be the last.......coz i have cry because of u for so many time.........i hope after this i can forget about u........i want to erase the memory i have about u........i want to delete it all.......not left even a piece of memory about u.......

mr.z, please forgive me.....n please forget about me.......its been clear now.......we will never meet each other forever.........please find ur life.........i'm so sorry.........i've to end this.........

mr.z..........goodbye

Monday, January 16, 2012

Good Afternoon everyone,

How are you today????.............its been sunny here but raining in my heart........i wish i know why but yet i can figure it out the reasons that lies behind all this feelings..........its like all feeling are mix together............the happiness, sadness, nervous, afraid or even stress..............as usually to overcome all this mixing stuff my solutions is CRYING..........cause i believe by crying it can help me release all the burden that have fill my heart.......isn't kind of strange if you suddenly crying while you don't know the reasons why?

I'm crying here but someone don't want to cry........cause that person feeling bad and want me to smile again............i wish i could say that by crying that is my best solution...........even though it look like a looser, yet it really give me a big relieve deep inside my here........maybe because I'm that fragile, that why i tend to take this simple solution............hohohoho

now i have finish crying for all the things i have worried about.............there are many things that i worried that makes me keep thinking about it..........let say the things is from the half year ago........starting with waiting for a hope that i don't know the future........which is related to my feelings towards someone............that feeling........there time when i feel like i wanna give up everything about it........cause waiting is killing...........now the things i waited for so long have return.........yet i don't know what should i do...........why should it return to me now as it have leave me behind for so long?

the other things that worried me have to be the place that i should do my industrial training..............i have choose where i wanna go but my parents don't want me to go that far........why are they so worried about me?....can't they give me a chance for me to choose my own path?........i have followed their decision since i' a kid............everything i do is what they want.......then,when should be the time for me to do what i wanna do?

next is about the coming soon exam...........this exam is killing me i guess........cause its so hard hard that i feel like i wanna give up........where is my mission on this study?...has it gone already?.........its seems to be not like me.........where is my egoist that help me to continue all this challenge?.........i thinks i need to go back to what i have said before.......which i swear i would be the very best among the guys who have hurt my heart and leaving just like that........that swear, i shall fulfill it no matter what!!

besides all this, my stress today could be because i have been too long apart from my family.......i cant lie to myself that really miss them all very much indeed...........i wish i can go home right now......hugging all my family.........cooking for them and laughing with them.........thinking about that.......when will i'm able to go back home?

lastly, i have try to think about my current situations........which a conflict came across as there is an overlap between friend and love with the mind set that sealed with powerful words.......its like i have dont a sin towards what i call friendship..........i wish i could know how the future are like........either i'm taking the right path or not.........i really afraid if i have took the wrong path........i dont wanna lose a friend,yet dont wanna miss the love either.......so what should i do?


so i whisper to myself.....



~~soon the time will tell, be a brave girl with full of courage~~

Sunday, January 15, 2012

which one??

Its 12.00a.m right now when i'm writing this post......i don't know what my feeling right now....but i wanna express it here since i'll feel relieved if i wrote it down.......this week is the "shock week ever" for this semester.......cause something that i didn't expected to happen has already happen to me right now......it is so call 'lovey dovey' things happening around me........yet what i'm suppose to do then...i don't know either i'm ready for it or not.....cause I've too much experiencing heart breaking and ended my relationship in the end.........

for all the time i have meet him, since the day that i really sad cause i just broke up with my boyfriend, he comes with his friends giving me good advice n support me to continue my life as usual.......at that time, i feel really glad that even though my boyfriend had thrown away all my love yet there's still friends who back up me and cheering me up......he also so there being like my guardian angel since then........he has become my best friend forever (BFF).......and i'm glad to have friend like him.....there's also time when my heart feel like falling toward him yet its been blocked by a powerful sentences.....

in my though, to fall for him shall be dangerous cause i know he already have someone that he truly love.....so taking him means that i snatch away other people happiness......i don't wanna do that as i already experienced it.......its really hurt when someone steal away your happiness......cause words becomes so powerful, it have sealed all the feeling deep inside my heart......by that i'm able to maintain the BFF relationship for few months and so after.......but now its like world have turn up side down........as he have express the truth to me.......am i able to accept it?

even i don't know what to say.....its like things around me happen to be faster then what i expected.....and even i didn't expect that it could turn that way either........i don't know what my feeling right now........don't know either what to respond or to tell.........cause my heart, it still seal with those strong words........once in a while, i'm thinking is't really his true feeling@it just happen to be as fulfillment of a broken heart???.......as what i have experienced before.........hmmm, then what happen if suddenly his ex girl wanna be with him back??then what will happen to me??.......am i gonna be left alone again as what my previous boyfriends have done to me?

all these makes me think twice even trice to accept this confession of a friend.........i wanna learn from my mistakes and frustration from all my previous relationship........i don't wanna the same things to happen again to me.........i really wish he could understand what challenges lies beyond the future.........i can feel it would be really tough one as my instinct told me so.......cause i'm not searching for a boyfriend but i'm searching for a future husband.............if he never thought of that or even considering it, what is the use of continuing such feeling???........i'm not that strong enough in my own religious....yet i wish that he fall for me not just about who i'm.......but also about the religious that i believe in........i want him to not just love me, but also love Allah.......loving Allah full heartedly as he love me full heartedly....i wish to believe that all this happen because its Allah decision.........because who's gonna be my soul partner is lies on the hand of Allah....

beside all this that happen in front of my own eyes......there's also another big things happen in my mind and heart........its about the person that i have been waiting for.............knowing that guy for about 3 years yet still never have the chance to meet him........before things between me n my 'friend' evaluate, my heart was hoping to some other so call virtual friend which I've known for 3 years.........even we have be friend for 3 years, the feeling just become clear in early of last year..........i've been thinking about this guy for several times, but my mind seems to questioning me back.....should i or shouldn't i believe for that kind of virtual feeling????........cause i never meet this person so how could i able to judge him??

that questions have playing in my mind for almost a year and a half........the feeling sometimes come and sometimes go........as what he usually do.....even though he have express his feeling toward me and even invite me for a marriage.........i still don't know what to do???.....either its a good decision or not........cause i never believe in this kind of virtual love........besides, if he really love me, why cant he come and find me here and express his feeling???........as experienced teach me, now i would hardly believe in words............even he say i miss u @ i love you, he never even try to find me here........he always missing around........

in the beginning he always contact me but since early of last year, its like lose in space........sometimes he on9 and sometime he's not.....contact me like once in a month or two.........its getting even harder since he continue study in UK......i don't even know that until his little sister tell me so.......why wont he tell me that time?.......that makes me fed up of waiting cause he doesn't seems to be that serious..........when its been three month without any news of him, i feel like i wanna give up on him....... don't wanna wait anymore and want to forget about everything him.......

unexpectedly, he contact in the end of last year.....about a month and a half ago, saying that he would come back to Malaysia.........please wait for him.......i feel very happy at first cause all my waiting through this several year should come to end if i meet him.......but now i don't know.........its like i was losing something..........are my heart really have been steal by someone else???..........even i don't know as i ask my heart, what actually do you want????........my heart only answer two words....that is FUTURE HUSBAND........but who could it be??........either it is one of them@it might be somebody else..........

today already 16jan........that guy said that his flight shall be on 15jan........is he already come back to Malaysia???..........even i don't know cause he never ring me for more than half year now...........he is coming back but why am i not that excited like last year??..........what i'm thinking tonite is i wish to believe in the person that i holding hand with right now.......to my self i whisper.......


~~will my love curse be repeated for the 6th time??????~~